


What's in a Name?

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Parenting, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Kid Fic, Mystery Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 19:51:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16248677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: If you know the Iron Man movies, you shouldn't have difficulty figuring out who's who and what's happening.No babies were harmed in the making of this fic.





	What's in a Name?

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

 

"See? No one except the old butler," the taller man whispered. His voice was further muffled by the black ski mask he was wearing, which would have looked odd if there was anyone to see because it was springtime in Central Park. He was hiding in a bushy thicket, watching a man pushing an expensive perambulator down a currently otherwise empty path.

The shorter man whispered, "You sure? I mean, if I had that kind of dough, my kid wouldn't be so easy to snatch."

"Yeah, I've been casing the place for a year now. The house is guarded all right, and God help you if you lay a hand on his cars when they're at the garage, but for his baby? Just the butler."

"It's almost as if he's begging for us to take the kid off his hands," the second man said, mock virtuously.

"Shut up, Fred. Here he comes. Let him get past."

The perambulator moved silently, but the old man was talking to his charge, and the baby was making quiet little burbling noises in response. 

The butler didn't even look up when the first man grabbed him from behind and covered his face with a chloroform soaked rag. A few scuffling moments later, the old man sagged, and was lowered gently to the ground.

Fred picked up the baby out of the carriage and then fumbled around the carriage.

"Come on, come on," the first man said, "what are you doing?"

"Gotta get his things! Ah, there." He picked up a brightly colored bag and handed it to the first man. "Let's go, George."

 

"What do you mean, you won't pay the ransom?" George shouted into the telephone.

"Shh!" Fred scolded. "I've just got the kid to sleep!"

George rolled his eyes at Fred. "Look, if two million is too much, how about a million?" George's mouth hung open. "Don't threaten me, buddy. You know what? Screw you and your money. You'll never find your kid's body. I'll save you on the funeral expenses." Then he slammed the phone down. 

He took a switchblade knife from his pocket.

Fred grabbed the baby and held him close. "You're not. You wouldn't hurt a kid."

"Of course not. You know what a healthy white baby boy is worth on the adoption market?"

Fred blinked. "No? Do you?"

"I'll find out." George picked up the stained onesie the baby had been wearing, cut his own hand, and got blood all over it. "This'll go to dear old dad."

 

"Darling, it's a miracle!" A blonde woman wearing a platinum mink and more jewels than was in good taste trilled sweetly as she walked into a lavishly furnished nursery and waved off a nurse in starched whites who was rocking a lace and ribbon monstrosity of a cradle.

"What is, dear?" The big man who was sitting in an overstuffed antique chair while reading a newspaper looked up.

"They said it was just an old wive's tale!"

"What, dear?" The man said with the patience of one used to dealing with a beloved airhead.

"That if you have one, you get one!"

The man sighed. "Have one what, dear?"

"Oh, you know! If you adopt a baby, then..." she smiled slyly, and rubbed her belly.

The man dropped his newspaper and stood up. "Sasha! Really?"

"Yes!" She giggled. "Now aren't you glad I didn't let you name this baby after you?"

"Yes." He hugged his wife. "And aren't you glad I didn't let you name him Armand?"

"Well, he does look French!" She looked down fondly at the baby in the cradle. "Beauregard will be a good brother to little Justin."

"Or Justine," her husband said. "Anything except Armand Hammer. No kid of mine is going to be teased."

**Author's Note:**

> But if you need a bit more info, Jarvis was taking baby Tony for a stroll, and Maria was still recovering from giving birth (I figure there were physical reasons why they only had one child) and Howard was upset and drinking and just blurted out the standard 'Starks don't pay ransom' which was meant to apply if HE was kidnapped.
> 
> Drinking to excess is not conducive to clear thinking.
> 
> Baby Tony/Beauregard and Justin were better off having siblings, and both grew up reasonably well adjusted for spoilt rich kids and made Hammer Industries a global force to be reckoned with. Their rivalry was mostly in fun, except the time that Justin cut the tail off Beauregard's toy elephant because he was jealous that it won 'biggest animal' in a local stuffed toy contest. That was war. Many stuffies were blown from cannons...
> 
> (Further possibilities are in the comments)


End file.
